SGA Saturday story This Truth part 3
Jul. 31st, 2011 01:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
scarlettdreamThis Truth part 3
Even though Rodney has joked in the past about John’s willingness to take the hits for the team. Even when it has seemed like John has gone out of his way to antagonise any number of monsters from Larrin to Kolya and every evil wraith killer queen that has laid eyes on him, and suffered for it, still it stirs such strong emotions in Rodney. That John, who suffers with a stoic silence and a grateful relief that it is him and not one of his team who is bleeding, might purposely hurt himself, is just so wrong it makes Rodney growl.
The dull gleaming metal in John’s hand falters and he looks up and sees Rodney.
Rodney strides across the room and grasps John’s wrist hard. Fighting the movement of John‘s arm, and holding it. Rodney stares at the knife briefly, before he looks into John’s eyes, into an expression that he cannot fathom. John breaks the silence first.
“Rodney?“ His voice is rough, barely more than a whisper.
Rodney doesn’t want to look down, to see what John has done to himself, so he closes his eyes and replies, “Yes.”
“What are you doing?” John’s voice is a little stronger now.
“I don’t know, I…” Rodney stops. He doesn’t know how to say what he is feeling, which is actually almost a unique experience for him.
Rodney had a lab assistant once who did this. Cut herself. At the time he had been incapable of understanding why she did it, why she sought hurt on purpose, when in Rodney’s experience the world was a hurtful enough place to satisfy even the most masochistic personality type. But he had only been seventeen then, and he hadn’t come to know himself or pain as intimately as he does now.
John breathes out, Rodney can feel the moist warmth of his breath, they are so close. His feelings are a confused mass of anger and fear and excitement and an inexplicable but overpowering jealousy. He has seen John bleed enough for one lifetime, he doesn’t need to see the wounds he has inflicted on himself. He doesn’t want to see any marks on John that Rodney didn’t put there. It’s a startling epiphany.
“You can’t do this.” Rodney hears the rough edge to his voice but he can’t stop now he knows what he wants, now he is sure he can give John what he needs, so he continues, “I won’t permit it! Do you understand?”
He feels the movement in John’s wrist as he tenses and grasps the knife tighter, and Rodney is ready to fight him for control if he has to, and he knows he’ll win. His mind is clear now he understands what his feelings are, what they mean. He tightens his hand around John’s wrist.
“Yes.” John sighs and he goes limp, slumps a little, and his hand releases the knife.
Finally Rodney opens his eyes and finds John’s face only inches from his own. John looks strange. It takes a moment to figure it out, but John looks relieved, like he has found some kind of peace that he never even knew existed before.
Rodney can’t look away, it feels like the whole world is pausing, waiting for him to move, to react, John is waiting for him to say something, to do something.
John opens his mouth. Breathes in then out again and very carefully says, “Rodney?”
link to This Truth Part 4
Even though Rodney has joked in the past about John’s willingness to take the hits for the team. Even when it has seemed like John has gone out of his way to antagonise any number of monsters from Larrin to Kolya and every evil wraith killer queen that has laid eyes on him, and suffered for it, still it stirs such strong emotions in Rodney. That John, who suffers with a stoic silence and a grateful relief that it is him and not one of his team who is bleeding, might purposely hurt himself, is just so wrong it makes Rodney growl.
The dull gleaming metal in John’s hand falters and he looks up and sees Rodney.
Rodney strides across the room and grasps John’s wrist hard. Fighting the movement of John‘s arm, and holding it. Rodney stares at the knife briefly, before he looks into John’s eyes, into an expression that he cannot fathom. John breaks the silence first.
“Rodney?“ His voice is rough, barely more than a whisper.
Rodney doesn’t want to look down, to see what John has done to himself, so he closes his eyes and replies, “Yes.”
“What are you doing?” John’s voice is a little stronger now.
“I don’t know, I…” Rodney stops. He doesn’t know how to say what he is feeling, which is actually almost a unique experience for him.
Rodney had a lab assistant once who did this. Cut herself. At the time he had been incapable of understanding why she did it, why she sought hurt on purpose, when in Rodney’s experience the world was a hurtful enough place to satisfy even the most masochistic personality type. But he had only been seventeen then, and he hadn’t come to know himself or pain as intimately as he does now.
John breathes out, Rodney can feel the moist warmth of his breath, they are so close. His feelings are a confused mass of anger and fear and excitement and an inexplicable but overpowering jealousy. He has seen John bleed enough for one lifetime, he doesn’t need to see the wounds he has inflicted on himself. He doesn’t want to see any marks on John that Rodney didn’t put there. It’s a startling epiphany.
“You can’t do this.” Rodney hears the rough edge to his voice but he can’t stop now he knows what he wants, now he is sure he can give John what he needs, so he continues, “I won’t permit it! Do you understand?”
He feels the movement in John’s wrist as he tenses and grasps the knife tighter, and Rodney is ready to fight him for control if he has to, and he knows he’ll win. His mind is clear now he understands what his feelings are, what they mean. He tightens his hand around John’s wrist.
“Yes.” John sighs and he goes limp, slumps a little, and his hand releases the knife.
Finally Rodney opens his eyes and finds John’s face only inches from his own. John looks strange. It takes a moment to figure it out, but John looks relieved, like he has found some kind of peace that he never even knew existed before.
Rodney can’t look away, it feels like the whole world is pausing, waiting for him to move, to react, John is waiting for him to say something, to do something.
John opens his mouth. Breathes in then out again and very carefully says, “Rodney?”
link to This Truth Part 4
