scarlettdream (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
scarlettdream) wrote2009-05-03 12:25 am
scarlettdream) wrote2009-05-03 12:25 am
Entry tags:
Moths part two by scarlettandblue
SEE PART ONE FOR THANKS AND WARNINGS AND DISCLAIMER
Moths part two
Soundtack for the second part of the story
Moth to a flame
by Roger Chapman and the shortlist
~Drawing me every hour of the day
like a moth to a flame.
I'm like a fish strung out on a pole
you've caught me body and soul~
I woke up with a gasp, sweat chilling my skin where I've kicked off the blanket and the quilt. Somehow shucked my sweatpants and t-shirt. It's the tenth or fifteenth time I've woken without my clothes on and yet I've no memory of taking them off during the night. Each time I've woken up sure that someone was in my room. That they'd whispered a phrase that I never quite hear and can't remember. It's been happening since we returned from the weird planet where they kept us all locked up for a few hours then sent us back.
Except I know something else happened but I don't remember what. Teal'c, Carter, and Daniel are adamant that apart from at the very end, just the last few seconds before we found ourselves hurtling back through the wormhole, we were alone, all of us together, in that cell. They say that some robed figures came in to the hall beyond the bars of our prison and I approached them and spoke for a moment and then there was a sickening moment when everything tilted and went cold, pretty much like a bad trip through the gate, and then we were back at the SGC in a jumbled heap, all of us retching and feeling like shit.
When my post mission medical was finished, Dr. Frasier told me there were some anomalies in my blood work. She put me through a battery of tests and kept me in the Iso room for several days while they tried to figure out what I'd picked up. In the end there was nothing discernible, like an off world disease, but there was something wrong. My results were off and it had her worried, so I had to go to the Academy hospital for more tests.
No one would come out and say it, but one too many visits to the oncologist was enough of a clue that even I was pretty worried. But in the end they didn't find anything and my blood seemed to get back more or less to normal. So they signed me fit for duty, but if I'm honest I knew something was wrong.
Thing was how to explain. Jack O'Neill had too much of a reputation for being a man who would rather gnaw his own arm to a bloody stump than talk about feelings. So it was kind of awkward seeing as that was all I had. Feelings. I felt different. I was different. I didn't understand my life and I didn't quite fit in it anymore.
I'd get home from work each night and think is this it? as I sat in my living room or on my deck. I'd get up and go to work again the next day and I would ask myself the same question when I got there. I felt uneasy and yet I also felt somewhat lighter. I remembered all the things that used to weigh so heavy on me, the things I'd suppress. Anger. Despair. Regret. A deep longing for it all to just be over. I remembered all of that, but now it seemed like they were someone else's feelings entirely. Which made no sense at all, because my life was no different. The things that had happened still held importance, but somehow they no longer touched me.
I knew I was dreaming more than usual. Each morning I'd wake feeling that I'd dreamed but not recall what I'd dreamed of. I was aware the dreams were becoming more intense but I didn't understand why. So I could hardly roll up to the infirmary and tell the doc I felt funny but happier and I was having dreams but I don't know what about, and could she do something for me?
Then the dreams took a different turn, and even though I still didn't remember them, waking up naked and sticky, from a wet dream was a pretty big clue what I was dreaming about. But again no way was I gonna go to the doc with that. So I just carried on, and bitched about the extra laundry it created.
In a way the worst thing of all was the way no one else seemed to notice anything was wrong at all.
I guess it was a sign of just how far apart we had gotten. SG1 was supposed to be the closest team, we were family, we were tight. But not quite as tight as we had been. Maybe it was too much to expect, we'd been through too much, we knew each other too well to make that level of closeness an easy thing to bear.
Maybe it was down to me, I'd let us all go our separate ways, just as at first I'd pulled us tight. Perhaps for the same reason too, Daniel. Those first missions I was sure he was gonna get himself and us killed, but I also knew he was our salvation. He was the one who would get us communicating, the one who would make us friends, out there.
Problem was, I had to keep him alive to do that. So I needed to make us into a unit, I needed to focus us all on him. He was our strength but he was undoubtedly the weakness too. Not a soldier. Not even a natural fighter. So I gathered us close and made us more a family than any team I'd ever been a part of before. And it worked, that's for damn sure. In the end it worked so well that it became the problem.
I imagine that if Daniel hadn't ended up killing himself on Kelowna and then leaving with Oma, he'd have gotten me killed for sure within a few months anyway. He'd become less able to follow my lead, less able to understand that the aims of the SGC were not always those of a peaceful explorer. While finding Shau'ri had been his goal he didn't really see it. After all a search and rescue and a search and destroy mission are often pretty close. But once that focus was lost. Once Shau'ri was gone, he had to find some other reason to justify his participation.
He found the choices I had to make harder and harder to justify. He kept making me second guess my motives and my decisions and I know that sooner or later I would have hesitated when I needed to act, or stepped in because he wouldn't, and got my head blown off.
I'm a soldier through and through. Okay I'm a fly boy too, but first and foremost I've learned that the things which matter most are the mission and the team. Sometimes the mission is more important and when that happens it's my job to stand in front and take the heat so the mission can continue. Sometimes the team is most important and it's my job to call that one too. The truth is in the end Daniel never trusted me enough to let me do either of those without questioning me or my leadership.
But it wasn't until he was gone that I really understood that.
And now he's back, somehow it's not the same. We all have our reasons for being here, and Lord knows, none of us are the same anymore. Teal'c has lost some of his faith in me. I see it, every time we have to make a decision that seems to favour Earth' s safety over the Jaffa struggle.
Carter, well, she and I have skated a little too close to something we had no business contemplating and it's damaged us both, so I've stepped back. I'm old enough to know better after all, and she's cooled towards me.
With Daniel, though it's him that's holding something back. He says he's not, but I see it every day. Something is missing.
Somehow all of this wouldn't matter except I know I've lost my trust too.
In Teal'c, when he put personal revenge above everything else and nearly got me killed.
I'm pissed at Carter for playing along with my stupid flirtation when there's no way she'd ever really look at an old man like me.
Worst of all I know I'm never going to be able to forgive what happened between me and Daniel while Baal had me. The really bad part of that is Daniel says he doesn't remember anything that happened while he was ascended. He says that taking those memories from him was part of the punishment. The really worst part of all is that makes no difference at all to how I feel.
So maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that no one says a word about the way I'm feeling. And maybe I should take it as a sign it's time to quit trying.
The final straw comes on some miserable ice bound dump of a planet. Place didn't even have snow, because snow would have been cool. It just had dirty, grey, slushy ice everywhere and huge fissures, and it wore us all down. So one night it's Daniel and me in this freaking tiny tent and before we know it we're having a knock down, drag out fight. And I just snap. I have to get the fuck out of there. I have to get away, as far away as I can right now. Can't stand another god-damned second.
So I'm trying to get away, across this ice, and I can hear Daniel behind me. He's practically screaming at me but it's so windy I can't hear what he's saying. It's just noise. But he's made a loud enough racket that Sam and Teal'c suddenly both join in. Their voices are snatched away by the howling gale so all I can hear is sound, but they're not making any sense. Then there's nothing.
I wake up back in that tent and Daniel is sitting beside me and he says, “I'm sorry Jack. I didn't mean it.”
And that's okay, I mean it's an apology so I can live with that, but what I really want to know is... “Which one of you zatted me?”
“No, Jack... ”
“It was Carter, wasn't it?” I've had that vibe round Carter a lot lately, that if I don't watch it she's gonna whip out some alien device and zap me with it.
“It's not important who zatted you.”
“No? I guess not.”
Daniel looks kind of sad and tired.
“We should try and get some sleep.”
I let my eyes close but I'm aware he's still sitting there watching me, so I say. “You too, Daniel, you need sleep as well.”
“Yes, I'll get some sleep in a while... Listen, Jack.”
I'm all ears but he goes quiet again and there's just his breathing, and then.
“You have to find a way. What happened here... that can't happen again. You nearly killed yourself for God's sake. So you have to find a way, Jack, because there can be no more of this. You understand?”
“Yes Daniel, I'll find a way.” I have no idea what I'm gonna do.
There's some rustling and he's gone back to his sleeping bag and then, “Go to sleep, Jack.” And that does sound like a good idea because suddenly I'm really tired.
In the end I go to Hammond and tell him I need some leave. Of course it's not supposed to work that way in the military. You don't ask for leave, they tell you when you can have it, but Hammond knows me well, and the SGC is a burnout job. I think maybe he has been watching me for the signs of this for years. So when I tell him I've got to have some personal time he doesn't give me any grief. We chat around the idea for a while, I eventually tell him I'm seriously thinking of retiring. He tells me to take a month off to think about it some more and I grab it with both hands.
I find Teal'c and let him know the plan and I think he approves, well he says, “I approve of this plan, O'Neill.” So yeah, that pretty much covers it.
I find Carter, she's working on some zappy thing or another and I can't help feeling a little nervous. It's stupid, I know because, after all, I've zatted her, in the line of duty, and now she's zatted me back. We should just call it even, but I don't like the way she's fingering that gadget instead of looking me in the eye. When I tell her she finally looks up and she looks kind of relieved and smiles and says. “It sounds like you've given it some thought, sir.”
Daniel finds me in the locker room. I'm changed and just packing the last few things into my bag. You never know with this place, and a month is a long time, so I thought it best to take my personal stuff home.
“So?” he says sitting on the bench beside me.
“So?” I look at him, waiting.
“You're going to... ”
“The cabin.”
“Take care of yourself.”
“Yeah..”
“Get plenty of rest, don't forget to exercise, don't just live on beer and chips, you know?”
“Sure, Daniel.”
“And take your time, Jack. Don't rush it. Don't come back until you feel you're ready. Don't come back until you've figured it out.”
“You betcha.”
***** ******
So here I am and it's three twenty five am in northern Minnesota on the last day of my leave and I'm still having these dreams. Making it pretty clear there's more to it than on the job stress or whatever the fuck it is.
I sleep again, but wake up early feeling restless and drag my tired old body outside in some scruffy cut off sweats to take a run.
Time was I loved running. I've always run. Pavements, deserts, hiking trails, I'd run anywhere. But I always loved it best here at the cabin. Running across my own land, dodging through my own trees. My place in the early morning, the colder the better, as long as there was no actual snow on the ground. I loved the burn of cold air in my lungs and the sweat I could work up.
Now I run because I have to. I'm old and I know all that stands between me and retirement is willpower. If I can't push myself past the agony in my knees. If I can't force my heavy legs to keep on moving as fast as they can. If I can't run these ten miles over rough ground without a break, even though my lungs are screaming for one, then I can't be out there. But as long as I can force myself to do it, then I'll let myself carry on. Even if my body is shaking and my chest is heaving and my legs feel they are made of solid lead by the end of it.
I drag myself back to the cabin an hour and a half later. I don't know why I even try to kid myself, I don't have it any more. Plus I forgot to take water with me and I'm practically seeing stars I feel so dizzy and sick. My hands are shaking and I'm distracted by how bad I feel. At least that's the excuse I'm gonna' use for not realizing someone else was in the cabin.
“Jack, we only have....” Hands grab me to prevent a reaction to the surprise intruder. “Don't! Jack! It's me.”
Unexpectedly strong arms hold on to me and turn me around
“What the Hell have you been doing to yourself, Jack?”
If I wasn't already feeling like three day old shit I might have something to say about that, as it is I kind of sag pathetically in Daniel's strong grip and mumble that I forgot to take my water bottle.
I'm shoved forcefully into my old leather armchair and a moment later a blessedly cold bottle of water is pushed into my hand. But that run must have done something lasting to my body because I can't seem to muster the strength to unscrew the lid.
Daniel's sigh is eloquent as he grabs the bottle, removes and tosses the lid then shoves the bottle back into my hand.
I open my mouth to refute all the unspoken things that sigh has accused me of. Daniel interrupts. “Don't even try and explain this, Jack. Just drink your water.”
And amazingly I do what he tells me. The water feels good. The first bottle is empty and I can feel my body soaking up the liquid like a sponge. The empty bottle is replaced by another.
As I start drinking again Daniel says.
“Drink that one slower, don't make yourself ill.”
I raise my eyebrow at the way he's ordering me around but still he's right, I'd better drink this one slower or I'll be heaving for sure. The water tastes different, it's sweet and salty, reminiscent of something, I'm not sure what exactly. It's cold in my stomach, a shocking contrast to the heat my body is still generating from the exercise.
“Tastes funny.” I mumble between sips.
“I put a little salt and sugar in it to help with the dehydration.”
Daniel is watching me closely. He sits directly in front of me on the blanket chest I use as a coffee table.
My vision is still blurry but I can see he's concerned about me, so I say. “I'm okay now.”
I figure he needs to hear it.
“Why are you here, Jack?”
“On leave, you know that, Daniel.”
“Your leave finishes at 0800 hours tomorrow. You should be back in Colorado already. Or at least on the road by now.”
“Can make it back in seventeen hours.”
“Not safely!”
I want to answer. I want to tell Daniel to shove off. I want to ask what business of his it is, but in the end I just shrug.
“So what's the plan, Jack? What did you decide?”
I don't want to answer but it comes out anyway.
“I... uh ... Retire, I guess.”
I glance up and catch Daniel's eye.
He's staring at me. He's really concentrating hard looking at me the way he looks at his old rocks and chicken scratches. It 's un-nerving to be the subject of this level of scrutiny from the studious Dr Jackson. I want to make a joke of it, something to snap him out of his seriousness, but I can't.
“You can't want to do that.”
I want to tell him I can do whatever the fuck I like. “I can't?” is what actually comes out of my mouth.
“No.... Jack... You're needed. People rely on you. Why couldn't you think of something else?”
I don't want to say. It's bad enough feeling old and worn out, but having to admit you've had it to someone like Daniel, someone who still had so much more to do, it's kind of pathetic and humiliating. I won't say.
“I'm old and I'm tired. There's plenty of people to take my place, Daniel. No one needs me. I think it's better to go now.”
“We all need you, Jack.” Daniel stops suddenly he is staring into my eyes like he can read my mind all of a sudden. “Is there something else? Is there something the matter with you?”
I don't know how to put it into words. “Maybe... I haven't felt right for weeks. Janet arranged all these tests. Nothing shows up, but I don't believe it. Some thing's been wrong ever since that weird trip. Maybe even longer.”
“You figured it out then?” Daniel stands up suddenly and turns his. back on me. He seems to be muttering to himself and I open my mouth to ask him what he thinks he's doing, and we're somewhere else. The way they do that always makes me kind of cranky.
“I thought we'd discussed this already. Give a guy a little warning, pal. One of these days you're gonna beam me up and get an eyeful of something you really don't want to have a close encounter with.”
The little grey guy turns around and scoots over to me.
“I am a scientist, Jack O'Neill, I have theoretical knowledge of all aspects of human physiognomy and behavior but any practical demonstrations you care to give would be most enlightening.”
“Hey!” This one is far too animated to be my old buddy Thor.
“It's Dr Heimdall, Jack.” Daniel had that look in his eye like he thinks I'm some kind of idiot who can't behave appropriately in front of the aliens.
“Hey Heimi, old pal, how's it hangin'?”
There's a moment when the little guy just doesn't react. The eyes blink, and I always imagine the blink~blink sound effect when they do that.
Finally he answers. “Oooh, how wonderful!”
This one seems far more excitable than they usually are. “One of your traditional human socialization rituals. Among peers an enquiry into the potency and efficacy of the reproductive organs must be considered an appropriate mode of greeting! Now let me see if I can give the correct response ... My genetic code is sufficiently robust to withstand further transgenic cloning migrations, thank you for asking, O'Neill.”
And Daniel wonders why I want to retire.
“We're very grateful for your help Dr Heimdall.” Daniel is trying to distract the little guy.
“What help would that be, Daniel? Because I gotta tell ya I'm not sure how much more help from our friends this old body can stand.”
“I contacted Thor. Janet had been worried for some time apparently but last month I spoke to her. I mean honestly, Jack, you've been acting so weird we all knew something was wrong. But after what happened we couldn't ignore it any longer. So when General Hammond told us what you were thinking I realized we had to get help. The Asgard seemed like the best option.”
“I resent weird. I'll admit to cranky on occasion, maybe even a touch of whimsy. But never weird.”
I know I've been feeling my age, and I know I've been a little out of sorts lately, but I feel sad inside, to think they were all watching me struggle and thinking I was just acting weird. Then again even inside my own head that sounds weird and not me at all so who knows ...
“You see, Dr Heimdall, that's what I mean, it's just weird.”
Daniel can sound like such a smug dick sometimes, it's a wonder I haven't decked him before now. But I satisfy myself with a verbal smack in the kisser. “Hey, watch it buddy!”
“Jack just sit and drink your water, and be quiet. The Doctor and I are trying to work out how to fix you.”
I don't know where Daniel gets the idea he can tell me what to do. But I suppose I am still thirsty, and the water does feel wonderful. Unlike these incredibly uncomfortable bench things they have on Asgard ships. It's something I've never understood. Why are there no seats on these things? I mean Asgard ships are the size of a sport's stadium but there's never anywhere to sit. Tok'ra are just the same, because hello all that high speed maneuverability and no one thought a couple of extra seats with a lap belt might be a good idea? And don't even get me started on the Goa'uld, for crying out loud. You fly around in something the size of a small town and all there is to sit on in the whole stinkin' place is one throne or some lousy floor cushions. And Daniel thinks I'm weird.
I notice it's gone quiet all of a sudden and when I look up they are both staring at me. Daniel has a funny look on his face like someone just kicked his puppy. Can't tell what Dr Happimeal is thinking, you never can with the Asgard, but he's definitely not bobbing around like he was.
I take another slow drink of my water. Watching them watching me. I don't feel like talking but I figure they know what I'm thinking, and it ain't pretty.
“You must realize what's happening, Jack.”
I just stare back.
“What are you doing right now?”
I spread my arms wide, I don't know why he's being such a dick about it, it should be obvious. I take another drink all the while holding his stare.
“You're doing exactly what I told you.”
He's delusional, it's the only answer.
“I said sit down and drink your water.”
I don't know what kind of point he thinks he's making.
“Dr Jackson also told you to be quiet, Jack O'Neill.”
Now it's the two of them ganging up on me, but really I don't get what their problem is. So what if I don't feel like talking?
“And now it appears you cannot talk.”
And that just goes to show what Asgards know about humans, it's not that I can't talk. I'm just not gonna be a talking monkey for some experiment It's just mad, as if I do stuff just because Daniel tells me to.
“Jack, please, just come here.”
I wonder sometimes if Daniel has us all fooled. I mean he's supposed to be this really smart genius. So how come he never seems to make his mind up. One minute it's sit over there, now it's come back here. As I reach him I realize he looks pretty tired. I don't know, I imagined the whole team would've had some leave seeing as I did. Maybe I guessed wrong.
“Jack.”
He touches my arm, he's peering right up into my face. He's barely an inch shorter than I am but it means he has to tilt his head a little look me in the eyes, and it accentuates the dark smudges under his eyes and the tight lines that bracket his mouth.
“You honestly don't see it do you?”
I smile at him a little. He exasperates me so much sometimes but I guess in the end we've shared so much. He was my best friend. I just wish I could forget what happened when he was gone the way he seems to have.
“I suppose I can't blame you because I didn't see it either. I think Teal'c noticed first. He said something but it was impossible and I told him he was mistaken. But he must have mentioned it to Sam because then she spoke to me. I still dismissed it, but I guess it planted a seed of doubt. Making me think, making me re-evaluate, making me question things. Trying to unravel it .”
I nod because, yeah, I know just what Daniel is like once that big brain of his gets caught up in some puzzle. He's relentless.
“So I pushed and I prodded and I experimented. I tried to be responsible, not asking you to do things that were dangerous or demeaning. And it was very subtle too. It's never just words. There have to be feelings, at least I think that's how it works. It seemed to happen when there were strong emotions. Or maybe you have some resistance to it normally and it's only when I really focus hard or when I totally lose it that you can't control the reaction. Or maybe it didn't exist at all. At least that's what I thought. Because how could I know your reactions weren't normal. I mean sometimes you do just listen to what I have to say and agree with me.”
Daniel stops for a minute. And I want to smile because yes, sometimes I do just agree with what he has to say, but he looks upset, no, he looks shattered and a smile now wouldn't be right. So I touch his arm, just to let him know I get it, I see he's struggling with something.
“But in the end I wasn't very professional, because I forgot. I got caught up in the personal. I got caught up in my own issues and it all ended up in that argument on P1X13.”
P1X13, which one was that? My brain is like Swiss cheese when it comes to the stupid numbers, why can't they give these places names a guy can remember.
“Frozen armpit of Hell?”
Oh there. He's talking about that argument.
“I don't know why I did it, maybe at first I was trying to prove to myself nothing was wrong, that Teal'c and Sam were imagining things. Then like all arguments it took on a life of its own. I pushed you to answer then I didn't like the answers you gave. So I said some unforgivable things, and you did too. But I forgot the difference..You only did it because I made you. Because apparently screaming at the top of your lungs don't hold back, Jack tell me how you really feel was forceful and emotional enough to prove the point and make you obey. And when you told me how you really felt I was pretty much devastated, and guilty and angry. I was angry at myself, which made me lash out. It's one of my less admirable qualities, I'll attack when I feel threatened, and I know that's good when a Goa'uld is doing the threatening, but not so good when it's your dearest friend. And I'm so, so sorry I forgot, Jack. I forgot what Teal'c had said and what Sam had said. I forgot that you were only doing what I told you to. And honestly I didn't mean it, not in my heart. It's just I was so mad, at myself mostly So I told you... ”
Daniel stops again and he really is distressed telling me this. I can see he feels it deeply. I could tell him that it's okay but I can see he needs me to stay quiet so he can say this. You see, despite what some people think, I do know the value sometimes of saying nothing.
“So I told you to get out of my sight, to get out of my face. I told you to just fuck off and never come back. I told you that I never wanted to see you again.”
I know just how Daniel felt. I remember the argument pretty damned clearly. I remember that overwhelming feeling of having to get away. I can hardly blame him for feeling the same way.
“I know you still don't get it, Jack. When I said that, every shred of animation just dropped right off your face. Until that point you had been pretty animated, fiery, passionate even, telling me how you really felt. But once I said it, you just stopped dead, turned around and walked out of the tent. It took me a second to register that you had gone. Took me another few to actually remember what I had really said to you. Took a moment longer to understand you really were going to do what I'd asked.
“I ran outside, the wind nearly cut me in half it was so fierce and cold. I didn't know how you were managing to stay upright. I couldn't understand how you'd got that far away so quickly. I was chasing after you, screaming at you to stop, but I guess you couldn't hear me. You dropped your gun and your parka, the cap and your gloves one at a time. You were struggling with your jacket and that slowed you down a little. Sam and Teal'c heard me, and they caught up with me. Thank God one of them had the presence of mind to use the zat. When we got to you, you were already bone white from the cold. You were about six feet from a crevasse. Two more seconds and you would have walked right off into it. ”
I don't remember that. I guess I must have been pretty mad. I'm sure Daniel is exaggerating, though because I'm not a jump off the edge kind of guy, not any more. That's more his department.
“Jack, there is something wrong with you. Somewhere, somehow they did something to you. They rewired your brain, or infected you with a virus, or you ate poison, or drank a potion.
And now you have to do whatever I tell you. Like a slave or something.”
It's pretty clear to me that someone's brain has been fried, that's for sure. I glance across at Dr Happi, to make sure he's hearing all of this loud and clear. I guess I wasn't the only one in need of some rest Daniel seems to be totally out of his freaking mind.
“I know, I know how demented that sounds. You can see why I didn't take it seriously when Teal'c first spoke to me. Because even for us it's pretty far fetched.”
I figure he must have a fever or something. He's kind of distracted and I don't think he'll notice if I just check his forehead out. He grabs my hand away before I get a chance to check his temperature.
“And you still don't see it do you, Jack?”
You got that right buddy, all I see is my best friend having some kind of a nervous breakdown. I don't understand how Sam or General Hammond could have let him go off when he's like this. I notice Daniel hasn't let go of my hand either, which is a little weird but kind of sweet too.
“So have you seen enough, Dr Heimdall?”
Daniel looks across at the little guy. Looks like Heimi's fiddling with something on a control panel.
“Just a few more readings, Dr Jackson. I am beginning to see a pattern. Maybe if you suggest something totally out of character.”
“It feels wrong,like taking advantage.”
“It is an experiment, a scientific endeavor. It's for his own good.” The little guy sounds kinda over-enthusiastic to me.
“Okay.” Daniel doesn't seem bothered but this is one Asgard I'm keeping my eye on. He may be on to Daniel, trying to get him to do something to prove he's lost his marbles, and I'm with him up to a point. But I don't want him doing anything that might hurt Danny. These medical types can get caught up in their experiments way too easily.
“Okay, Jack I want you to take off your sweat-shirt.”
Say what? Although now you come to mention it this place is getting pretty warm, maybe Daniel is right, I could do with a few less layers.
“And I want you to go over to Dr Heimdall and kiss him.”
What? Eeew. No way, Danny-Boy, not even to help out with your diagnosis, am I doing that!
“Hhhmmm very interesting, Dr Jackson.”
“He didn't do it! How does that help at all?”
“I believe you pinpointed the reason a while ago. Intent. I do not believe you actually want Jack to come over here and become intimate with my lips. ”
Too right he doesn't. And even if he did, I wouldn't. I stare at the little guy until I know he understands that the O'Neill lips are off limits.
“You have something to say on the matter, Jack O'Neill?”
I give him the hairy eyeball, because sometimes words really are superfluous.
“Very interesting.” This Asgard really is an infuriating little dick.
“It still makes no sense the way some things work and others don't.”
“I disagree, Dr Jackson. I have one more scan to run and I believe we will have our answer. Now this time you must order him to do something that you really want him to do. Something he would never do under any normal circumstances. Something he would never do under normal circumstances even if you asked him to. Something undeniably, irrefutably outside normal activity for either of you.”
“I can't... I don't feel comfortable with this Dr Heimdall.”
I turn to look at Daniel again. I hope he can see that I trust him. That I know he would never do anything to hurt me, no matter what he seems to think.
“Look, he trusts me. How can I ask him to do something which betrays that?”
“Dr Jackson you have to. You wish to cure Jack O'Neill, yes? Or at least to understand what afflicts him, if there is no cure to be had. Well you must act now. Think of something. Quickly! Have no fear, you will not harm him. Do you honestly think I would allow harm to come to O'Neill, Supreme Commander Thor's favourite human? I would never be so unwise, as to execute this plan without ensuring his safety. What do you want? Do not be afraid. Tell O'Neill what to do!”
Yeah, come on, Danny tell me. I don't think I can stand...
“Kiss me, Jack. I want you to kiss me so hard I can't even remember my name.”
Aw Hell, why'd he ask me to do that?
It's not like I haven't wanted to. It's not like I haven't imagined just grabbing him and kissing the bejesus out of him. If nothing else it would be a way to shut him up, and I've come pretty close to doing it too, more than once. But I didn't because there was never even the smallest sign that he might actually want the same thing I do.
I figured long ago it was a one-way street.
Even now, ten years later, he looks incredibly good. He's built now, and he's finally learned how to dress himself and get a decent haircut. Not like when I first knew him. I mean for crying out loud, will you look at him, then look at me? It's obvious why I'd want him. And it's obvious why I'd never stand a chance.
But he's looking at me now like his heart is breaking.
Like he really means what he said.
Like he really does want me to...
“Tell me...mmmmhh... tell me, Jack... Oh God... ”
His mouth is so sweet, and kissing doesn't... can't shut him up, but I don't care. I love the feel of his lips moving against mine. I love how hot his breath is in my mouth...
“Jack, tell me... Uuuhh... ”
I love how strong and wet his tongue is... Christ I'm... Oh yeah... I'm... Oh... hard just from him pushing it in my mouth.
“Tell me... Jack.. Tell me how you feel. Show me how you feel.”
“I fuckin' love you, Daniel.” It feels like the first time I ever kissed anyone. Feels like Nancy Olsen, only better, because now I know exactly what I'm doing. “I love you. Oh Christ, I want you. Always have.”
“Jack.”
He's hot and hard in my arms, so solid. So fuckin' there. But everywhere I touch him it feels like he's liquid, molten, melting into my hands, into my chest, his mouth melting into mine. I'm on fire, feel like I'm gonna burn to the ground, I want him so much.
“Got to have you... Daniel... want you now.”
“We can't.”
Mmmhh, need to touch him, touch his skin. I'm burning up with the need to touch him, to have him in me. Just need to move back a couple of steps. Yeah, that's better, just push him up against this bulkhead.
“We can... Please, Danny... come on... Christ... I won't last... Need to feel... ”
He has far too many clothes, layers, buttons... zip. That's better.
“Oh yeah...mmmmhh... taste.”
“Jack!”
Finally he's quiet. I'd make a joke about how come he's being quiet when it's my mouth that's full, but its too good and I think if I stop he'll realize where we are and what we're doing and somehow he'll make me stop. And I don't want to stop. I never want to stop.
I don't care if aliens made us do this. I don't care if something is wrong with my brain. I don't care if it means the world is ending. I don't care about anything except him. I never thought this would happen and now it has, I'm never going to lose him. I'm never going to give him up.
Finally he opens his eyes and looks down at me. There are two spots of high color on his cheeks and I can see he's flushing red down across his throat and chest. His eyes are still half closed and kind of vague, he's drifting a little. He has this goofy smile on his face. All the times I imagined him, I never guessed he'd be goofy and loose like this when he was about to come. God, I love him so much.
I suck him right down, now. No gag reflex, just that full feeling in my throat where I swallow and swallow and it builds up a kind of excitement in me. I've got one hand up between his legs now and I give his balls a little tug and that's all it takes. His body is jerking and shaking, it's all uncoordinated, and he makes these little gasping sounds, and I just swallow him down.
The taste of him in my throat is enough. It's so sweet, and slow, and warm. The pleasure kind of leaks out of me in a messy, aching roll of my hips. I rest my head for a moment against his belly. I want one more taste of him so I suck hard, poking my tongue into his slit. He's too sensitive and he gasps and doubles over which pulls his cock out of my mouth. It makes me smile, because I know how that feels. It's too intense, but you can't help enjoying it. I want it too.
I stand up, my knees aren't as fucked as I was expecting. Asgards might be crap at soft furnishings but maybe they know a thing or two about flooring.
Daniel is slumped against the wall like a corpse. It's only me that's holding him up, I think. I press against him and grab his face and pull him into a deep kiss, my tongue deep in his mouth then sucking his tongue back into mine. I want him to taste himself in there.
It takes him two attempts before he manages to lift one hand up and grab the back of my neck. He holds me tight so he can kiss me back just as hard. I grab his other hand and push it down inside my sweatpants and grind myself into his hand. He instinctively squeezes and it makes me moan and shiver, it's too much so soon after I've come. It makes me want to break open and spill again all over his hand, because it's just what I want but I can't stand the intensity either and pull his hand out.
My come is on his fingers now and I push his hand up and press his fingers to his lips, smearing it clumsily around his mouth until he opens up and sucks on his own fingers. All the while he's watching me, gradually coming back from his daze until he smiles around his fingers. It's lazy and predatory, he moves his hand until it's covering my mouth. I slide my tongue out to taste myself on his palm. I whisper into his hand. “It's forever, Daniel.”
He laughs a little, a delighted sound, I'm not sure if it's because his palm is ticklish, but then he says smiling. “As long as love lasts.”
The bulk head seems to melt slowly into a horizontal surface and Daniel slumps down with it and takes me with him. It's weird, walls moving and turning into furniture, disconcerting. I know from now on I'll be watching out for that kind of thing, suddenly appearing foot stools and the like. But at least it had the decency to turn itself into a bed, so right now I'm not gonna argue with it.
We're just lying here but it feels like something momentous is happening.
I lift up my head and look at Daniel.
“Sssh, Jack.”
I raise an eyebrow at him, close my mouth with a snap, but then...
“Don't think that works any more, Danny.”
I give him my patented shit-eating-grin. Just because I know how obnoxious he finds it.
“You have no idea how obnoxious I find that, Jack.”
“You're right, I have no idea whatsoever.”
I stare.
He stares back.
Daniel stands no hope in a staring contest with me.
But then I realize the lesson, I guess maybe, I was supposed to learn from all of this. I don't always have to win with Daniel.
I keep staring at him really hard and push my face close to his, I must look pretty demented from that close up. He's gone nearly cross-eyed. Then I just shut my eyes, turn and lay my head against his shoulder, and mumble. “I'm never letting you go. I hope you understand that.”
He wraps his arm around me tighter and mumbles back to the top of my head. “Fine by me.”
~~~ ### Coded message###~~~~
To Supreme Leader Frigg
CC To Commander Thor
I am delighted to confirm the Hand fasting has at last taken place.
My compliments to our exalted leader. Without your intervention, Ladyship, I fear these foolish stubborn humans may have never fulfilled their destiny.
The use of an enchantment was a masterful touch. Breath of the Gods is always so reliable.
The usual Hand-fasting photographs and souvenirs will follow shortly.
And of course, for close friends and family, a video of the ceremony will be available.
Yours Respectfully
Heimdall
~~~###End coded message###~~~
Moths part two
Soundtack for the second part of the story
Moth to a flame
by Roger Chapman and the shortlist
~Drawing me every hour of the day
like a moth to a flame.
I'm like a fish strung out on a pole
you've caught me body and soul~
I woke up with a gasp, sweat chilling my skin where I've kicked off the blanket and the quilt. Somehow shucked my sweatpants and t-shirt. It's the tenth or fifteenth time I've woken without my clothes on and yet I've no memory of taking them off during the night. Each time I've woken up sure that someone was in my room. That they'd whispered a phrase that I never quite hear and can't remember. It's been happening since we returned from the weird planet where they kept us all locked up for a few hours then sent us back.
Except I know something else happened but I don't remember what. Teal'c, Carter, and Daniel are adamant that apart from at the very end, just the last few seconds before we found ourselves hurtling back through the wormhole, we were alone, all of us together, in that cell. They say that some robed figures came in to the hall beyond the bars of our prison and I approached them and spoke for a moment and then there was a sickening moment when everything tilted and went cold, pretty much like a bad trip through the gate, and then we were back at the SGC in a jumbled heap, all of us retching and feeling like shit.
When my post mission medical was finished, Dr. Frasier told me there were some anomalies in my blood work. She put me through a battery of tests and kept me in the Iso room for several days while they tried to figure out what I'd picked up. In the end there was nothing discernible, like an off world disease, but there was something wrong. My results were off and it had her worried, so I had to go to the Academy hospital for more tests.
No one would come out and say it, but one too many visits to the oncologist was enough of a clue that even I was pretty worried. But in the end they didn't find anything and my blood seemed to get back more or less to normal. So they signed me fit for duty, but if I'm honest I knew something was wrong.
Thing was how to explain. Jack O'Neill had too much of a reputation for being a man who would rather gnaw his own arm to a bloody stump than talk about feelings. So it was kind of awkward seeing as that was all I had. Feelings. I felt different. I was different. I didn't understand my life and I didn't quite fit in it anymore.
I'd get home from work each night and think is this it? as I sat in my living room or on my deck. I'd get up and go to work again the next day and I would ask myself the same question when I got there. I felt uneasy and yet I also felt somewhat lighter. I remembered all the things that used to weigh so heavy on me, the things I'd suppress. Anger. Despair. Regret. A deep longing for it all to just be over. I remembered all of that, but now it seemed like they were someone else's feelings entirely. Which made no sense at all, because my life was no different. The things that had happened still held importance, but somehow they no longer touched me.
I knew I was dreaming more than usual. Each morning I'd wake feeling that I'd dreamed but not recall what I'd dreamed of. I was aware the dreams were becoming more intense but I didn't understand why. So I could hardly roll up to the infirmary and tell the doc I felt funny but happier and I was having dreams but I don't know what about, and could she do something for me?
Then the dreams took a different turn, and even though I still didn't remember them, waking up naked and sticky, from a wet dream was a pretty big clue what I was dreaming about. But again no way was I gonna go to the doc with that. So I just carried on, and bitched about the extra laundry it created.
In a way the worst thing of all was the way no one else seemed to notice anything was wrong at all.
I guess it was a sign of just how far apart we had gotten. SG1 was supposed to be the closest team, we were family, we were tight. But not quite as tight as we had been. Maybe it was too much to expect, we'd been through too much, we knew each other too well to make that level of closeness an easy thing to bear.
Maybe it was down to me, I'd let us all go our separate ways, just as at first I'd pulled us tight. Perhaps for the same reason too, Daniel. Those first missions I was sure he was gonna get himself and us killed, but I also knew he was our salvation. He was the one who would get us communicating, the one who would make us friends, out there.
Problem was, I had to keep him alive to do that. So I needed to make us into a unit, I needed to focus us all on him. He was our strength but he was undoubtedly the weakness too. Not a soldier. Not even a natural fighter. So I gathered us close and made us more a family than any team I'd ever been a part of before. And it worked, that's for damn sure. In the end it worked so well that it became the problem.
I imagine that if Daniel hadn't ended up killing himself on Kelowna and then leaving with Oma, he'd have gotten me killed for sure within a few months anyway. He'd become less able to follow my lead, less able to understand that the aims of the SGC were not always those of a peaceful explorer. While finding Shau'ri had been his goal he didn't really see it. After all a search and rescue and a search and destroy mission are often pretty close. But once that focus was lost. Once Shau'ri was gone, he had to find some other reason to justify his participation.
He found the choices I had to make harder and harder to justify. He kept making me second guess my motives and my decisions and I know that sooner or later I would have hesitated when I needed to act, or stepped in because he wouldn't, and got my head blown off.
I'm a soldier through and through. Okay I'm a fly boy too, but first and foremost I've learned that the things which matter most are the mission and the team. Sometimes the mission is more important and when that happens it's my job to stand in front and take the heat so the mission can continue. Sometimes the team is most important and it's my job to call that one too. The truth is in the end Daniel never trusted me enough to let me do either of those without questioning me or my leadership.
But it wasn't until he was gone that I really understood that.
And now he's back, somehow it's not the same. We all have our reasons for being here, and Lord knows, none of us are the same anymore. Teal'c has lost some of his faith in me. I see it, every time we have to make a decision that seems to favour Earth' s safety over the Jaffa struggle.
Carter, well, she and I have skated a little too close to something we had no business contemplating and it's damaged us both, so I've stepped back. I'm old enough to know better after all, and she's cooled towards me.
With Daniel, though it's him that's holding something back. He says he's not, but I see it every day. Something is missing.
Somehow all of this wouldn't matter except I know I've lost my trust too.
In Teal'c, when he put personal revenge above everything else and nearly got me killed.
I'm pissed at Carter for playing along with my stupid flirtation when there's no way she'd ever really look at an old man like me.
Worst of all I know I'm never going to be able to forgive what happened between me and Daniel while Baal had me. The really bad part of that is Daniel says he doesn't remember anything that happened while he was ascended. He says that taking those memories from him was part of the punishment. The really worst part of all is that makes no difference at all to how I feel.
So maybe it shouldn't be a surprise that no one says a word about the way I'm feeling. And maybe I should take it as a sign it's time to quit trying.
The final straw comes on some miserable ice bound dump of a planet. Place didn't even have snow, because snow would have been cool. It just had dirty, grey, slushy ice everywhere and huge fissures, and it wore us all down. So one night it's Daniel and me in this freaking tiny tent and before we know it we're having a knock down, drag out fight. And I just snap. I have to get the fuck out of there. I have to get away, as far away as I can right now. Can't stand another god-damned second.
So I'm trying to get away, across this ice, and I can hear Daniel behind me. He's practically screaming at me but it's so windy I can't hear what he's saying. It's just noise. But he's made a loud enough racket that Sam and Teal'c suddenly both join in. Their voices are snatched away by the howling gale so all I can hear is sound, but they're not making any sense. Then there's nothing.
I wake up back in that tent and Daniel is sitting beside me and he says, “I'm sorry Jack. I didn't mean it.”
And that's okay, I mean it's an apology so I can live with that, but what I really want to know is... “Which one of you zatted me?”
“No, Jack... ”
“It was Carter, wasn't it?” I've had that vibe round Carter a lot lately, that if I don't watch it she's gonna whip out some alien device and zap me with it.
“It's not important who zatted you.”
“No? I guess not.”
Daniel looks kind of sad and tired.
“We should try and get some sleep.”
I let my eyes close but I'm aware he's still sitting there watching me, so I say. “You too, Daniel, you need sleep as well.”
“Yes, I'll get some sleep in a while... Listen, Jack.”
I'm all ears but he goes quiet again and there's just his breathing, and then.
“You have to find a way. What happened here... that can't happen again. You nearly killed yourself for God's sake. So you have to find a way, Jack, because there can be no more of this. You understand?”
“Yes Daniel, I'll find a way.” I have no idea what I'm gonna do.
There's some rustling and he's gone back to his sleeping bag and then, “Go to sleep, Jack.” And that does sound like a good idea because suddenly I'm really tired.
In the end I go to Hammond and tell him I need some leave. Of course it's not supposed to work that way in the military. You don't ask for leave, they tell you when you can have it, but Hammond knows me well, and the SGC is a burnout job. I think maybe he has been watching me for the signs of this for years. So when I tell him I've got to have some personal time he doesn't give me any grief. We chat around the idea for a while, I eventually tell him I'm seriously thinking of retiring. He tells me to take a month off to think about it some more and I grab it with both hands.
I find Teal'c and let him know the plan and I think he approves, well he says, “I approve of this plan, O'Neill.” So yeah, that pretty much covers it.
I find Carter, she's working on some zappy thing or another and I can't help feeling a little nervous. It's stupid, I know because, after all, I've zatted her, in the line of duty, and now she's zatted me back. We should just call it even, but I don't like the way she's fingering that gadget instead of looking me in the eye. When I tell her she finally looks up and she looks kind of relieved and smiles and says. “It sounds like you've given it some thought, sir.”
Daniel finds me in the locker room. I'm changed and just packing the last few things into my bag. You never know with this place, and a month is a long time, so I thought it best to take my personal stuff home.
“So?” he says sitting on the bench beside me.
“So?” I look at him, waiting.
“You're going to... ”
“The cabin.”
“Take care of yourself.”
“Yeah..”
“Get plenty of rest, don't forget to exercise, don't just live on beer and chips, you know?”
“Sure, Daniel.”
“And take your time, Jack. Don't rush it. Don't come back until you feel you're ready. Don't come back until you've figured it out.”
“You betcha.”
***** ******
So here I am and it's three twenty five am in northern Minnesota on the last day of my leave and I'm still having these dreams. Making it pretty clear there's more to it than on the job stress or whatever the fuck it is.
I sleep again, but wake up early feeling restless and drag my tired old body outside in some scruffy cut off sweats to take a run.
Time was I loved running. I've always run. Pavements, deserts, hiking trails, I'd run anywhere. But I always loved it best here at the cabin. Running across my own land, dodging through my own trees. My place in the early morning, the colder the better, as long as there was no actual snow on the ground. I loved the burn of cold air in my lungs and the sweat I could work up.
Now I run because I have to. I'm old and I know all that stands between me and retirement is willpower. If I can't push myself past the agony in my knees. If I can't force my heavy legs to keep on moving as fast as they can. If I can't run these ten miles over rough ground without a break, even though my lungs are screaming for one, then I can't be out there. But as long as I can force myself to do it, then I'll let myself carry on. Even if my body is shaking and my chest is heaving and my legs feel they are made of solid lead by the end of it.
I drag myself back to the cabin an hour and a half later. I don't know why I even try to kid myself, I don't have it any more. Plus I forgot to take water with me and I'm practically seeing stars I feel so dizzy and sick. My hands are shaking and I'm distracted by how bad I feel. At least that's the excuse I'm gonna' use for not realizing someone else was in the cabin.
“Jack, we only have....” Hands grab me to prevent a reaction to the surprise intruder. “Don't! Jack! It's me.”
Unexpectedly strong arms hold on to me and turn me around
“What the Hell have you been doing to yourself, Jack?”
If I wasn't already feeling like three day old shit I might have something to say about that, as it is I kind of sag pathetically in Daniel's strong grip and mumble that I forgot to take my water bottle.
I'm shoved forcefully into my old leather armchair and a moment later a blessedly cold bottle of water is pushed into my hand. But that run must have done something lasting to my body because I can't seem to muster the strength to unscrew the lid.
Daniel's sigh is eloquent as he grabs the bottle, removes and tosses the lid then shoves the bottle back into my hand.
I open my mouth to refute all the unspoken things that sigh has accused me of. Daniel interrupts. “Don't even try and explain this, Jack. Just drink your water.”
And amazingly I do what he tells me. The water feels good. The first bottle is empty and I can feel my body soaking up the liquid like a sponge. The empty bottle is replaced by another.
As I start drinking again Daniel says.
“Drink that one slower, don't make yourself ill.”
I raise my eyebrow at the way he's ordering me around but still he's right, I'd better drink this one slower or I'll be heaving for sure. The water tastes different, it's sweet and salty, reminiscent of something, I'm not sure what exactly. It's cold in my stomach, a shocking contrast to the heat my body is still generating from the exercise.
“Tastes funny.” I mumble between sips.
“I put a little salt and sugar in it to help with the dehydration.”
Daniel is watching me closely. He sits directly in front of me on the blanket chest I use as a coffee table.
My vision is still blurry but I can see he's concerned about me, so I say. “I'm okay now.”
I figure he needs to hear it.
“Why are you here, Jack?”
“On leave, you know that, Daniel.”
“Your leave finishes at 0800 hours tomorrow. You should be back in Colorado already. Or at least on the road by now.”
“Can make it back in seventeen hours.”
“Not safely!”
I want to answer. I want to tell Daniel to shove off. I want to ask what business of his it is, but in the end I just shrug.
“So what's the plan, Jack? What did you decide?”
I don't want to answer but it comes out anyway.
“I... uh ... Retire, I guess.”
I glance up and catch Daniel's eye.
He's staring at me. He's really concentrating hard looking at me the way he looks at his old rocks and chicken scratches. It 's un-nerving to be the subject of this level of scrutiny from the studious Dr Jackson. I want to make a joke of it, something to snap him out of his seriousness, but I can't.
“You can't want to do that.”
I want to tell him I can do whatever the fuck I like. “I can't?” is what actually comes out of my mouth.
“No.... Jack... You're needed. People rely on you. Why couldn't you think of something else?”
I don't want to say. It's bad enough feeling old and worn out, but having to admit you've had it to someone like Daniel, someone who still had so much more to do, it's kind of pathetic and humiliating. I won't say.
“I'm old and I'm tired. There's plenty of people to take my place, Daniel. No one needs me. I think it's better to go now.”
“We all need you, Jack.” Daniel stops suddenly he is staring into my eyes like he can read my mind all of a sudden. “Is there something else? Is there something the matter with you?”
I don't know how to put it into words. “Maybe... I haven't felt right for weeks. Janet arranged all these tests. Nothing shows up, but I don't believe it. Some thing's been wrong ever since that weird trip. Maybe even longer.”
“You figured it out then?” Daniel stands up suddenly and turns his. back on me. He seems to be muttering to himself and I open my mouth to ask him what he thinks he's doing, and we're somewhere else. The way they do that always makes me kind of cranky.
“I thought we'd discussed this already. Give a guy a little warning, pal. One of these days you're gonna beam me up and get an eyeful of something you really don't want to have a close encounter with.”
The little grey guy turns around and scoots over to me.
“I am a scientist, Jack O'Neill, I have theoretical knowledge of all aspects of human physiognomy and behavior but any practical demonstrations you care to give would be most enlightening.”
“Hey!” This one is far too animated to be my old buddy Thor.
“It's Dr Heimdall, Jack.” Daniel had that look in his eye like he thinks I'm some kind of idiot who can't behave appropriately in front of the aliens.
“Hey Heimi, old pal, how's it hangin'?”
There's a moment when the little guy just doesn't react. The eyes blink, and I always imagine the blink~blink sound effect when they do that.
Finally he answers. “Oooh, how wonderful!”
This one seems far more excitable than they usually are. “One of your traditional human socialization rituals. Among peers an enquiry into the potency and efficacy of the reproductive organs must be considered an appropriate mode of greeting! Now let me see if I can give the correct response ... My genetic code is sufficiently robust to withstand further transgenic cloning migrations, thank you for asking, O'Neill.”
And Daniel wonders why I want to retire.
“We're very grateful for your help Dr Heimdall.” Daniel is trying to distract the little guy.
“What help would that be, Daniel? Because I gotta tell ya I'm not sure how much more help from our friends this old body can stand.”
“I contacted Thor. Janet had been worried for some time apparently but last month I spoke to her. I mean honestly, Jack, you've been acting so weird we all knew something was wrong. But after what happened we couldn't ignore it any longer. So when General Hammond told us what you were thinking I realized we had to get help. The Asgard seemed like the best option.”
“I resent weird. I'll admit to cranky on occasion, maybe even a touch of whimsy. But never weird.”
I know I've been feeling my age, and I know I've been a little out of sorts lately, but I feel sad inside, to think they were all watching me struggle and thinking I was just acting weird. Then again even inside my own head that sounds weird and not me at all so who knows ...
“You see, Dr Heimdall, that's what I mean, it's just weird.”
Daniel can sound like such a smug dick sometimes, it's a wonder I haven't decked him before now. But I satisfy myself with a verbal smack in the kisser. “Hey, watch it buddy!”
“Jack just sit and drink your water, and be quiet. The Doctor and I are trying to work out how to fix you.”
I don't know where Daniel gets the idea he can tell me what to do. But I suppose I am still thirsty, and the water does feel wonderful. Unlike these incredibly uncomfortable bench things they have on Asgard ships. It's something I've never understood. Why are there no seats on these things? I mean Asgard ships are the size of a sport's stadium but there's never anywhere to sit. Tok'ra are just the same, because hello all that high speed maneuverability and no one thought a couple of extra seats with a lap belt might be a good idea? And don't even get me started on the Goa'uld, for crying out loud. You fly around in something the size of a small town and all there is to sit on in the whole stinkin' place is one throne or some lousy floor cushions. And Daniel thinks I'm weird.
I notice it's gone quiet all of a sudden and when I look up they are both staring at me. Daniel has a funny look on his face like someone just kicked his puppy. Can't tell what Dr Happimeal is thinking, you never can with the Asgard, but he's definitely not bobbing around like he was.
I take another slow drink of my water. Watching them watching me. I don't feel like talking but I figure they know what I'm thinking, and it ain't pretty.
“You must realize what's happening, Jack.”
I just stare back.
“What are you doing right now?”
I spread my arms wide, I don't know why he's being such a dick about it, it should be obvious. I take another drink all the while holding his stare.
“You're doing exactly what I told you.”
He's delusional, it's the only answer.
“I said sit down and drink your water.”
I don't know what kind of point he thinks he's making.
“Dr Jackson also told you to be quiet, Jack O'Neill.”
Now it's the two of them ganging up on me, but really I don't get what their problem is. So what if I don't feel like talking?
“And now it appears you cannot talk.”
And that just goes to show what Asgards know about humans, it's not that I can't talk. I'm just not gonna be a talking monkey for some experiment It's just mad, as if I do stuff just because Daniel tells me to.
“Jack, please, just come here.”
I wonder sometimes if Daniel has us all fooled. I mean he's supposed to be this really smart genius. So how come he never seems to make his mind up. One minute it's sit over there, now it's come back here. As I reach him I realize he looks pretty tired. I don't know, I imagined the whole team would've had some leave seeing as I did. Maybe I guessed wrong.
“Jack.”
He touches my arm, he's peering right up into my face. He's barely an inch shorter than I am but it means he has to tilt his head a little look me in the eyes, and it accentuates the dark smudges under his eyes and the tight lines that bracket his mouth.
“You honestly don't see it do you?”
I smile at him a little. He exasperates me so much sometimes but I guess in the end we've shared so much. He was my best friend. I just wish I could forget what happened when he was gone the way he seems to have.
“I suppose I can't blame you because I didn't see it either. I think Teal'c noticed first. He said something but it was impossible and I told him he was mistaken. But he must have mentioned it to Sam because then she spoke to me. I still dismissed it, but I guess it planted a seed of doubt. Making me think, making me re-evaluate, making me question things. Trying to unravel it .”
I nod because, yeah, I know just what Daniel is like once that big brain of his gets caught up in some puzzle. He's relentless.
“So I pushed and I prodded and I experimented. I tried to be responsible, not asking you to do things that were dangerous or demeaning. And it was very subtle too. It's never just words. There have to be feelings, at least I think that's how it works. It seemed to happen when there were strong emotions. Or maybe you have some resistance to it normally and it's only when I really focus hard or when I totally lose it that you can't control the reaction. Or maybe it didn't exist at all. At least that's what I thought. Because how could I know your reactions weren't normal. I mean sometimes you do just listen to what I have to say and agree with me.”
Daniel stops for a minute. And I want to smile because yes, sometimes I do just agree with what he has to say, but he looks upset, no, he looks shattered and a smile now wouldn't be right. So I touch his arm, just to let him know I get it, I see he's struggling with something.
“But in the end I wasn't very professional, because I forgot. I got caught up in the personal. I got caught up in my own issues and it all ended up in that argument on P1X13.”
P1X13, which one was that? My brain is like Swiss cheese when it comes to the stupid numbers, why can't they give these places names a guy can remember.
“Frozen armpit of Hell?”
Oh there. He's talking about that argument.
“I don't know why I did it, maybe at first I was trying to prove to myself nothing was wrong, that Teal'c and Sam were imagining things. Then like all arguments it took on a life of its own. I pushed you to answer then I didn't like the answers you gave. So I said some unforgivable things, and you did too. But I forgot the difference..You only did it because I made you. Because apparently screaming at the top of your lungs don't hold back, Jack tell me how you really feel was forceful and emotional enough to prove the point and make you obey. And when you told me how you really felt I was pretty much devastated, and guilty and angry. I was angry at myself, which made me lash out. It's one of my less admirable qualities, I'll attack when I feel threatened, and I know that's good when a Goa'uld is doing the threatening, but not so good when it's your dearest friend. And I'm so, so sorry I forgot, Jack. I forgot what Teal'c had said and what Sam had said. I forgot that you were only doing what I told you to. And honestly I didn't mean it, not in my heart. It's just I was so mad, at myself mostly So I told you... ”
Daniel stops again and he really is distressed telling me this. I can see he feels it deeply. I could tell him that it's okay but I can see he needs me to stay quiet so he can say this. You see, despite what some people think, I do know the value sometimes of saying nothing.
“So I told you to get out of my sight, to get out of my face. I told you to just fuck off and never come back. I told you that I never wanted to see you again.”
I know just how Daniel felt. I remember the argument pretty damned clearly. I remember that overwhelming feeling of having to get away. I can hardly blame him for feeling the same way.
“I know you still don't get it, Jack. When I said that, every shred of animation just dropped right off your face. Until that point you had been pretty animated, fiery, passionate even, telling me how you really felt. But once I said it, you just stopped dead, turned around and walked out of the tent. It took me a second to register that you had gone. Took me another few to actually remember what I had really said to you. Took a moment longer to understand you really were going to do what I'd asked.
“I ran outside, the wind nearly cut me in half it was so fierce and cold. I didn't know how you were managing to stay upright. I couldn't understand how you'd got that far away so quickly. I was chasing after you, screaming at you to stop, but I guess you couldn't hear me. You dropped your gun and your parka, the cap and your gloves one at a time. You were struggling with your jacket and that slowed you down a little. Sam and Teal'c heard me, and they caught up with me. Thank God one of them had the presence of mind to use the zat. When we got to you, you were already bone white from the cold. You were about six feet from a crevasse. Two more seconds and you would have walked right off into it. ”
I don't remember that. I guess I must have been pretty mad. I'm sure Daniel is exaggerating, though because I'm not a jump off the edge kind of guy, not any more. That's more his department.
“Jack, there is something wrong with you. Somewhere, somehow they did something to you. They rewired your brain, or infected you with a virus, or you ate poison, or drank a potion.
And now you have to do whatever I tell you. Like a slave or something.”
It's pretty clear to me that someone's brain has been fried, that's for sure. I glance across at Dr Happi, to make sure he's hearing all of this loud and clear. I guess I wasn't the only one in need of some rest Daniel seems to be totally out of his freaking mind.
“I know, I know how demented that sounds. You can see why I didn't take it seriously when Teal'c first spoke to me. Because even for us it's pretty far fetched.”
I figure he must have a fever or something. He's kind of distracted and I don't think he'll notice if I just check his forehead out. He grabs my hand away before I get a chance to check his temperature.
“And you still don't see it do you, Jack?”
You got that right buddy, all I see is my best friend having some kind of a nervous breakdown. I don't understand how Sam or General Hammond could have let him go off when he's like this. I notice Daniel hasn't let go of my hand either, which is a little weird but kind of sweet too.
“So have you seen enough, Dr Heimdall?”
Daniel looks across at the little guy. Looks like Heimi's fiddling with something on a control panel.
“Just a few more readings, Dr Jackson. I am beginning to see a pattern. Maybe if you suggest something totally out of character.”
“It feels wrong,like taking advantage.”
“It is an experiment, a scientific endeavor. It's for his own good.” The little guy sounds kinda over-enthusiastic to me.
“Okay.” Daniel doesn't seem bothered but this is one Asgard I'm keeping my eye on. He may be on to Daniel, trying to get him to do something to prove he's lost his marbles, and I'm with him up to a point. But I don't want him doing anything that might hurt Danny. These medical types can get caught up in their experiments way too easily.
“Okay, Jack I want you to take off your sweat-shirt.”
Say what? Although now you come to mention it this place is getting pretty warm, maybe Daniel is right, I could do with a few less layers.
“And I want you to go over to Dr Heimdall and kiss him.”
What? Eeew. No way, Danny-Boy, not even to help out with your diagnosis, am I doing that!
“Hhhmmm very interesting, Dr Jackson.”
“He didn't do it! How does that help at all?”
“I believe you pinpointed the reason a while ago. Intent. I do not believe you actually want Jack to come over here and become intimate with my lips. ”
Too right he doesn't. And even if he did, I wouldn't. I stare at the little guy until I know he understands that the O'Neill lips are off limits.
“You have something to say on the matter, Jack O'Neill?”
I give him the hairy eyeball, because sometimes words really are superfluous.
“Very interesting.” This Asgard really is an infuriating little dick.
“It still makes no sense the way some things work and others don't.”
“I disagree, Dr Jackson. I have one more scan to run and I believe we will have our answer. Now this time you must order him to do something that you really want him to do. Something he would never do under any normal circumstances. Something he would never do under normal circumstances even if you asked him to. Something undeniably, irrefutably outside normal activity for either of you.”
“I can't... I don't feel comfortable with this Dr Heimdall.”
I turn to look at Daniel again. I hope he can see that I trust him. That I know he would never do anything to hurt me, no matter what he seems to think.
“Look, he trusts me. How can I ask him to do something which betrays that?”
“Dr Jackson you have to. You wish to cure Jack O'Neill, yes? Or at least to understand what afflicts him, if there is no cure to be had. Well you must act now. Think of something. Quickly! Have no fear, you will not harm him. Do you honestly think I would allow harm to come to O'Neill, Supreme Commander Thor's favourite human? I would never be so unwise, as to execute this plan without ensuring his safety. What do you want? Do not be afraid. Tell O'Neill what to do!”
Yeah, come on, Danny tell me. I don't think I can stand...
“Kiss me, Jack. I want you to kiss me so hard I can't even remember my name.”
Aw Hell, why'd he ask me to do that?
It's not like I haven't wanted to. It's not like I haven't imagined just grabbing him and kissing the bejesus out of him. If nothing else it would be a way to shut him up, and I've come pretty close to doing it too, more than once. But I didn't because there was never even the smallest sign that he might actually want the same thing I do.
I figured long ago it was a one-way street.
Even now, ten years later, he looks incredibly good. He's built now, and he's finally learned how to dress himself and get a decent haircut. Not like when I first knew him. I mean for crying out loud, will you look at him, then look at me? It's obvious why I'd want him. And it's obvious why I'd never stand a chance.
But he's looking at me now like his heart is breaking.
Like he really means what he said.
Like he really does want me to...
“Tell me...mmmmhh... tell me, Jack... Oh God... ”
His mouth is so sweet, and kissing doesn't... can't shut him up, but I don't care. I love the feel of his lips moving against mine. I love how hot his breath is in my mouth...
“Jack, tell me... Uuuhh... ”
I love how strong and wet his tongue is... Christ I'm... Oh yeah... I'm... Oh... hard just from him pushing it in my mouth.
“Tell me... Jack.. Tell me how you feel. Show me how you feel.”
“I fuckin' love you, Daniel.” It feels like the first time I ever kissed anyone. Feels like Nancy Olsen, only better, because now I know exactly what I'm doing. “I love you. Oh Christ, I want you. Always have.”
“Jack.”
He's hot and hard in my arms, so solid. So fuckin' there. But everywhere I touch him it feels like he's liquid, molten, melting into my hands, into my chest, his mouth melting into mine. I'm on fire, feel like I'm gonna burn to the ground, I want him so much.
“Got to have you... Daniel... want you now.”
“We can't.”
Mmmhh, need to touch him, touch his skin. I'm burning up with the need to touch him, to have him in me. Just need to move back a couple of steps. Yeah, that's better, just push him up against this bulkhead.
“We can... Please, Danny... come on... Christ... I won't last... Need to feel... ”
He has far too many clothes, layers, buttons... zip. That's better.
“Oh yeah...mmmmhh... taste.”
“Jack!”
Finally he's quiet. I'd make a joke about how come he's being quiet when it's my mouth that's full, but its too good and I think if I stop he'll realize where we are and what we're doing and somehow he'll make me stop. And I don't want to stop. I never want to stop.
I don't care if aliens made us do this. I don't care if something is wrong with my brain. I don't care if it means the world is ending. I don't care about anything except him. I never thought this would happen and now it has, I'm never going to lose him. I'm never going to give him up.
Finally he opens his eyes and looks down at me. There are two spots of high color on his cheeks and I can see he's flushing red down across his throat and chest. His eyes are still half closed and kind of vague, he's drifting a little. He has this goofy smile on his face. All the times I imagined him, I never guessed he'd be goofy and loose like this when he was about to come. God, I love him so much.
I suck him right down, now. No gag reflex, just that full feeling in my throat where I swallow and swallow and it builds up a kind of excitement in me. I've got one hand up between his legs now and I give his balls a little tug and that's all it takes. His body is jerking and shaking, it's all uncoordinated, and he makes these little gasping sounds, and I just swallow him down.
The taste of him in my throat is enough. It's so sweet, and slow, and warm. The pleasure kind of leaks out of me in a messy, aching roll of my hips. I rest my head for a moment against his belly. I want one more taste of him so I suck hard, poking my tongue into his slit. He's too sensitive and he gasps and doubles over which pulls his cock out of my mouth. It makes me smile, because I know how that feels. It's too intense, but you can't help enjoying it. I want it too.
I stand up, my knees aren't as fucked as I was expecting. Asgards might be crap at soft furnishings but maybe they know a thing or two about flooring.
Daniel is slumped against the wall like a corpse. It's only me that's holding him up, I think. I press against him and grab his face and pull him into a deep kiss, my tongue deep in his mouth then sucking his tongue back into mine. I want him to taste himself in there.
It takes him two attempts before he manages to lift one hand up and grab the back of my neck. He holds me tight so he can kiss me back just as hard. I grab his other hand and push it down inside my sweatpants and grind myself into his hand. He instinctively squeezes and it makes me moan and shiver, it's too much so soon after I've come. It makes me want to break open and spill again all over his hand, because it's just what I want but I can't stand the intensity either and pull his hand out.
My come is on his fingers now and I push his hand up and press his fingers to his lips, smearing it clumsily around his mouth until he opens up and sucks on his own fingers. All the while he's watching me, gradually coming back from his daze until he smiles around his fingers. It's lazy and predatory, he moves his hand until it's covering my mouth. I slide my tongue out to taste myself on his palm. I whisper into his hand. “It's forever, Daniel.”
He laughs a little, a delighted sound, I'm not sure if it's because his palm is ticklish, but then he says smiling. “As long as love lasts.”
The bulk head seems to melt slowly into a horizontal surface and Daniel slumps down with it and takes me with him. It's weird, walls moving and turning into furniture, disconcerting. I know from now on I'll be watching out for that kind of thing, suddenly appearing foot stools and the like. But at least it had the decency to turn itself into a bed, so right now I'm not gonna argue with it.
We're just lying here but it feels like something momentous is happening.
I lift up my head and look at Daniel.
“Sssh, Jack.”
I raise an eyebrow at him, close my mouth with a snap, but then...
“Don't think that works any more, Danny.”
I give him my patented shit-eating-grin. Just because I know how obnoxious he finds it.
“You have no idea how obnoxious I find that, Jack.”
“You're right, I have no idea whatsoever.”
I stare.
He stares back.
Daniel stands no hope in a staring contest with me.
But then I realize the lesson, I guess maybe, I was supposed to learn from all of this. I don't always have to win with Daniel.
I keep staring at him really hard and push my face close to his, I must look pretty demented from that close up. He's gone nearly cross-eyed. Then I just shut my eyes, turn and lay my head against his shoulder, and mumble. “I'm never letting you go. I hope you understand that.”
He wraps his arm around me tighter and mumbles back to the top of my head. “Fine by me.”
~~~ ### Coded message###~~~~
To Supreme Leader Frigg
CC To Commander Thor
I am delighted to confirm the Hand fasting has at last taken place.
My compliments to our exalted leader. Without your intervention, Ladyship, I fear these foolish stubborn humans may have never fulfilled their destiny.
The use of an enchantment was a masterful touch. Breath of the Gods is always so reliable.
The usual Hand-fasting photographs and souvenirs will follow shortly.
And of course, for close friends and family, a video of the ceremony will be available.
Yours Respectfully
Heimdall
~~~###End coded message###~~~